When I was a toddler, I regularly colored with both hands almost equally. My mom was my first teacher, and she was unsure how to teach me to be left handed, so she taught me to write with my right hand. In high school, out of boredom, I taught myself to write pretty legibly with my left hand, but I never became left-handed, and writing with my left hand was never as good nor as fast as with my right hand. I have since heard that most kids are somewhat ambidextrous as toddlers, but that most come to definitely have a dominant hand later.
I just wrote my name with my left hand to compare it to my right hand. It doesn’t take a genius to accurately guess which hand I wrote each with! The left-handed signature looks very much like how I wrote as a third-grader just learning cursive. And it took me about as long to write as a third grader, too, as I thought about the shape of each letter and which way I had to move my pen next.
I guess it’s comforting to know that if I ever lost my right arm—or even if I just broke it and couldn’t use it for a few weeks—I’d still be able to write. But I am definitely right handed. I hope I am never forced to write left handed.
Many years ago, I met a man who had an identical twin brother, but they were twins in a very interesting way. They were what is called mirror image twins. That is, one of them was right-handed and otherwise typical. His brother was left handed and had his internal organs on the opposite sides of normal. For example, his heart was right of center instead of left of center, and his liver was on the left side instead of the right. He was left-handed, as I mentioned, yet he told me he had been forced to write with his right hand as a child, so he could write with either hand. But it didn’t change the fact that he was left-handed; it was hardwired into his very neurobiology, and it was not something he could change. Sure, I can write with my left hand, and would do better with more practice, but it would not make me left-handed; likewise, he had had a lot of practice writing with his right hand, but he was still left-hand dominant.
This is very much like what it is to be gay. Being gay isn’t something a person chooses, anymore than a person would choose to be left-handed in a world where, for most of history, being left-handed was considered a sinister thing, on a par with being demon possessed. I have heard stories of children who had to sit at their desk with their left hand tied behind their back while they wrote; no child would choose that kind of abuse if it were a choice!
Likewise, I have yet to meet or hear of a gay person that would choose this identity. Being gay was not a choice for them; if it were, they would have chosen to be straight. In Latin America, homophobia is much more prevalent than it is here in the US—as much as 50 years behind where we are now, if not more.
I can think of so many stories! Take the young man in South America who was attacked by a group of people who tried to undress him in public while shouting homophobic slurs. Do you think he would choose to be straight if he had a choice?
Another Latino man told me how he felt so uncomfortable with coming out to his family. He said that if he showed up to a holiday gathering with a girlfriend, no one would give it a second thought. But if he were to show up with a boyfriend or a husband, he has no idea how they would react, or even if they would accept him. He would be straight if he had a choice.
Another man who grew up in a very conservative Southern Baptist family tells how he was surprised to discover he was attracted to boys, but figured it was just a phase, and that he would grow out of it. When he didn’t, he was devastated, because he had always believed that being gay was wrong—yet he absolutely could not deny the fact that he was gay. He spent countless nights trying to “pray the gay away,” but to no avail. He’s now approaching middle age and is still gay.
These three examples are all actual people that I either know personally, or I have heard a first-hand account of their story. And yet they are representative of so many in the gay community. It’s hard enough for a young person with progressive parents to come out to them; for someone in a conservative Christian culture or the homophobic communities that exist in Latin America, it can be nearly impossible.
These feelings are not a choice. They are as hardwired into the makeup of a gay person as being left-handed is. They are not a pathology; they are simply an atypical variation of normal sexuality. And they do not change.
A pastor once was sitting with a young gay lady, listening to her story, trying to understand. She gave him a powerful example. “See that guy sitting over there?” she said, pointing to a man sitting at a nearby table at the restaurant. “Suppose I told you that you had to fall in love with him. Suppose I told you that you had to hold his hand, kiss him on the lips, and eventually get married to him and sleep with him. How would you feel?” The pastor felt absolutely disgusted and repulsed by the idea. She continued, “That is exactly how I feel about being with a man. And I did not choose this.”
What is my point about all this? We have advanced in modern society to the point where we no longer try to force left-handed kids to write with their right hand. Yet that practice was harmless compared to the devastation of trying to force a gay person to be celibate or to enter into a mixed-orientation marriage. The former is not possible for all people (Paul said as much in 1 Corinthians 7); the latter is incredibly painful for both partners, and usually ends tragically. We need to have more empathy and understanding for the gay community.
If you have believed that being gay is a choice, I would challenge you to research the subject. Get to know people who are gay, and ask them if they would choose to be straight if they could. I think you will find that nearly all, if not all, will say that yes, they would not choose to be gay, anymore than someone would knowingly choose to be left-handed in a world where everything is geared toward being right handed.
Lisa Reynoso is a mental health coach who helps people through one-on-one coaching. If this post brought up a lot of feelings, or as you were reading, you thought, “I would love to talk to someone about this,” please use the “Schedule Now” link at the top of this page to schedule a free session.